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Embracing Autism with Saying “My Child is Bright”

I am a mom who doesn’t claim to know everything because I am just a mom. I am a proud mom however of a beautiful and bright child, whose name is Daniel.  The word “bright” isn’t usually framed around the word autism in one sentence. Even though my son has autism, he will be bright to me always.

I didn’t know I would have a son with autism in my life, and I have often said to myself “I didn’t sign up for this.” After high school I journeyed on to become a teacher, which is a profession I loved. I met my husband from Ireland, he joined the army, and here I am at 43 with three kids later and an army wife, which carries its own burdens and challenges. Now, I work remotely as a writer, copy editor, and blogger. You can follow my blog for following my son’s journey in the autism universe or Mom’s Advice in Navigating the Autism Universe: https://autismadvicemoms.home.blog/ & https://www.facebook.com/swimmingautism/

Now, lets rewind to the time Danny was born. In the back of my mind I always knew there was something not right. I used my mothering instinct and knew something was wrong when Danny screamed and screamed without being soothed with anything possible in this world as a baby. By the time he was three years old, he had no language, no words, or even nonverbal communication was void.

Danny as a Baby

When he turned three he was finally diagnosed with much advocating for getting my child help. ABA therapy was the best treatment at the time, but waitlists were endless so he went a year without treatment. Meanwhile I had searched and searched to fix Danny, to cure Danny, to find answers behind autism. That word “autism” was something to be solved, and I became obsessed to find a cure in a vitamin or diet.

Fast forward today and Danny is talking and interacting and loving life. However, we all know as your child grows older there are NEW challenges that arise: anxiety, frustrations, fixated preferences. Even at the age of 7 he is fixated on objects that he can’t let go of and won’t share even at SEVEN! He has played one board game and one card game with his siblings. Intricate interactions that require more than two steps are still very difficult and usually end in retreat behaviors.

Now I know autism is uncurable, and I finally embraced it for what it is: a neurological disorder. My son was also born with other medical problems that unfortunately doctors didn’t want to address for years. Throwing up was Danny’s norm until the doctors finally figured it out.  Doing this all on my own without a husband (army) was difficult. But now Danny gets a lot of nutritional supports to help him thrive and grow and not agitate his digestive system.

He is now healthy, but don’t get me wrong somedays I want to run away down the street screaming. Sometimes he blows up and gets frustrated, but I can say in one sentence now he is “bright” and beautiful. I love his smiles, which brightens my day, every day.

My goal now with my son is to help him as much as possible with communicating and moving through academic and social road blocks, which is appearing to be very challenging at the moment in his life. My child continues to be bright! Life is difficult, but staying positive, as corny as that sounds, is important otherwise we forget why we as mothers are in this beautiful and challenging job called “motherhood.”

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Welcome to Danny’s World of Autism

Mom’s Advice to the Autistic Universe: Navigating in the Universe

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

There is no need to struggle with autism and think you are alone in this journey. The journey I am talking about is all aspects that surround autism: aggressive behaviors, food issues, frustrations from your child, task-avoidance, ritualistic behaviors. Among the many mothers and fathers that surround their child with love and understanding when they hear those words, “your child has autism,” I am here to provide understanding, love, and support through advice, tips, and watching my son grow in his journey.

Walking the Road of Autism

If you are reading this it means you are looking for advice, tips, or just an ear to listen to the struggles of the world of autism.  Believe me, I am walking the road of autism at every moment. 

Challenges are the Journey

​My son was born on August 10, 2012, and there is no end to autism. It is an everyday adventure and sometimes ending the day in tears. My son did not speak until the age of four, but now he can speak and other issues have come to the surface: auditory sensitivities. 

Fixations for the Autistic Brain

High interest-fixation

If you are a parent of an autistic child, then you understand the wave of fixations that can come over your child. My child gets fixated on costumes. The costumes become a way of expression for him, but they act more like his alter ego. His other self takes over to cope with the stress of the world. He puts on this hot dog costume even though it’s not Halloween. It covers his head, his body, and provides comfort and minimizes space around him. Lots of space can be a stressful environment for Danny.

Here we are playing a game. His brother and sister attempt to play, but Danny doesn’t prefer games so much. I asked him to play. But, games present stressful decisions for Danny; he has not yet jumped over this hurdle. So, his coping mechanism is putting on his costume. I do not stop him from doing this because it is calming for him, and he is still watching the game as well.

Break free from fixations

Encouragement to join in is crucial at Danny’s age. He is eleven now. He still presents with fixations and comforting ways to hold onto himself when anxiety rises. Self-regulation is important, but getting him to break away from a comfort that becomes a fixation is difficult.

How can you encourage your child to join in, challenge themselves, and avoid a heavy fixation? Step one-do not control the fixation to stop and start; step two-present alternatives; step three-prompt involvement by approving a comforting way to handle stress and avoiding isolation.

One aspect of an autistic sense of self is preferring isolation at certain times of the day. I allow my son to take a break, if he doesn’t prefer to be around us. However, a sense of family and that we are here to support him to be with us and loving his company is what I want to get across to him.

Fixation stop and start

Do not stop a fixation fast in its tracks. If my son has a fixation of Minecraft characters and will not play with anything else, then I will present another type of character he can include with this fixation. This is a true story. My son will eat, sleep, and obsess over Minecraft. But, opening a world up to other characters will broaden his world. Remember, the autistic brain wants to squeeze down on a highly preferred interest. So keep encouraging to maximize other ideas.

Prompt involvement

Prompt involvement when your child chooses to isolate. Read the signs of your child’s not wanting to be a participant in a game or activity. Challenge involvement. If your child has a tangible item they want to hold that is ok. If this item will help with the stress, and the child is still wanting to participate, that is ok too. That is a win! Allow your child to control emotions by making a choice in using help aids, fidgets, blankets etc. Set small goals at first if your child is unable to participate. If a fixation is stronger in the moment and your child can not break free, give them grace.

Bottom line-small goals achieved leads to big accomplishments later.

#fixations #autistic #fixating #autismfixations #copingstrategies. #anxietydisorders #teachingtipsforparents #parentsandautism #parenttips #obsessivecompulsivedisorders

Consequences for Behavior

Ruby Franke’s idea of consequences

Consequences should encourage responsibility. In recent events, Ruby Franke was arrested for child abuse. Her idea of supporting responsibility in her children was to remove their basic need of food. Perhaps she went without eating and dieted because adults can do that sometimes for interval fasting. However, a child who is growing and moving and playing needs food and adequate nourishment to thrive in everyday life. Her idea of consequences were skewed.

Looking at a child with autism, consequences must always match the behavior and never harm any child. I am not against consequences, but they should never harm or hurt the child. Actually, they should teach the child what correct behavior looks like.

My Instagram account: @navigating_autism_tools https://www.instagram.com/navigating_autism_tools/

So, my child has autism, and he is now eleven. It has been a long time since I have posted. But, my child also has medical issues and that has been my main priority. Danny still exhibits outbursts on occasion.

So, if he is frustrated he will stomp away or knock something over. First step: Identify the wrong by asking the child what was wrong in their reaction. Second step: Identify their feelings, and the child should identify their feelings. Third step: What should of happened to handle their emotions. What is a better direction to take to listen and act on their emotions.

A child who can self-regulate is a healthy child. A child who can’t self regulate is often overly stimulated and not being directed by the adult but instead it becomes a power struggle; in the case of #RubyFranke she took over their lives to the point where she was the dictator and no longer a parent who guides but hurts.

Withdrawing things instead of working together to correct behavior is not the way to go in building long term relationships with your child. If the behavior is forming a pattern and is worse than the week before, cutting down time on favorite leisure activities would be a better option than harsh punishments. Also rewarding appropriate behavior and praise goes a long way!! This also works for children with autism.

My son can sometimes become jealous. He feels left out at school. So, when he hears someone else being praised he feels excluded immediately. Even though he isn’t being excluded that is how he interrupts praise for someone else. So aggressive behaviors can arise from that. So, making a point to praise your child at least 3 times a day for something they are caring for, being empathetic, or taking initiative. My son doesn’t usually join in household activities like cleaning his room or making his bed. But, when I praise him for getting me some water or asking me how my day is going, he immediately is more receptive and changes his attitude. Keep it simple with praise and noticing your child. Ignoring your child is not praising your child.

#blog #autism #consequencesforbehavior #behavior #navigatingautismtools #autismuniverse #consequencesforkids #parenting #parentingtips #specialneeds #selfregulation

The Sometimes of Autism Regulation

waiting in line decompression

Sometimes autism will take over. The reaction is to shut out the world with a scrunch down in his body, covering his ears, or placing his hands over his head. As a mom, my reaction is to do nothing in this case. I don’t force him to stand up or react in a neurotypical way when waiting in line.

Sometimes he will engage and be involved in the world around him and sometimes it’s just too much. The noises, the waiting, the demands, a crowd, becomes like a life force that can’t be handled with just standing in place.

Motor Planning and Settling Body

Engage Sometimes

Reading about Cranberry Fields at Longbeach

Sometimes engagement is beautiful when an interest is struck. Are these times more frequent? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I will take the sometimes because those sometimes will turn into frequent- that is the goal.

Coping with daily life is turned into sometimes reverting to shutting down. But, those sometimes can turn into self destructive behaviors, but again, I hope those SOMETIMES will be a coping strategy to structure back into the movement of daily activities. The sometimes don’t have to hinder but be the step before “all the time.”

As now, he likes to help, which has turned into “all the time.”

GETTING all our Shoes on the ⛱️ Beach

Future of my autistic son, an ordinary day at an indoor park

Isolate when upset

Will it always be like this? Will my son want to run away when it gets tough in his mind? Public places that are brimming over with noise are not always the best place. However, these places are the best places. In the autistic brain of my child PLACES can be scary. Sudden challenges rope him into isolation.

Loud and misunderstanding the environment

I usually like taking him to places where he can get exercise. But, a trampoline park might seem over the top. However, if he’s never challenged he will be afraid as an adult to try new things.

So, here we are as he found a swing that drops into a squishy soft block pit. He loved this the most. He found his comfort zone. Then, his cousin saw him running off almost beyond the park area and that is always scary. My son’s reactions are usually sudden, unexpected, and isolating. Getting him to talk is difficult. He ran off during fireworks of Fourth of July as well. If he can verbalize why he’s upset that’s progress. If he can manage the UPSET WITH WHY then that’s progress. We haven’t gotten there yet, and Danny is almost 10.

Process of trial and error

Trial and error are the beast of children with autism. Let’s try something new is the trial. Then, error is next. Error is when he just is too upset to fulfill any tasks that were too above him. If he could recognize that he is going through the trial and except the error in managing those emotions, he would not be afraid anymore to try those challenges. We will get there, we must. Life is so scary for him.

PROGRESS IN THE MAKING https://www.instagram.com/p/CfsId4GPelK/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Emotional Regulation

How can aggression and frustration be regulated?

https://www.facebook.com/specialneedslessons/videos/443497414066437

For a child with autism, this is no easy task. Sometimes, as a mom, I am left frustrated and angry when I see that nothing works.

Aggression

Aggression is different from frustration. Aggression is when your child starts with yelling, then throwing, then hitting oftentimes. Sometimes that aggression turns into self-harm and destruction of property.

Frustration

Frustration is something that can be managed easier than aggression. When a child reaches the degree of frustration, that means emotions are getting dislodged from their appropriate slots in the brain. They become scattered and everything becomes over stimulated. However, if frustration is not aggression just a stop in the road where the child experiences a road block. When the child starts kicking the road block, it turns into aggression.

A little spot of feeling

As parents, we try to reach out for resources that help us as parents to guide our children in their emotions. A little spot of feeling is a book series that guides a child in their emotions and identifies that emotion and what to do with it. Now, I know that as a parent, I am not 100% sure all the time of knowing what to do. But, having a child with special needs has taught me to search and research what is out there. Check out the Facebook link above.

New stage of life

My child is nine now and he has to approach a pre-puberty stage of life. He has more energy and sometimes that energy and growing hormones turn into self-destructive behaviors. I don’t want to bore you with the details of this, but I will tell you that sometimes I am left drained and scared of the future. So, before he reaches 10, 11, 12,13, and scary 14, and 15, teaching him how to identify his emotion, calm down, and make an appropriate choice at that moment is key now before the teen years. I will be writing more about this in the next week because Danny is no longer a small child, he is growing up and is learning that emotions matter so much and can affect his day.

Is it OK to Use the Word Push Instead of Challenge Your Child?

Yes, I push my children. I am not scared to say it. Pushing is challenging. But, I know about the safe words that are used around children with special needs. If I say “push” I am looked upon as a overbearing mother. If I say “challenge” then I am looked upon wanting the best for my child.

Let us be honest and raw here. When my son wakes up in the morning, he is not looking forward to homeschooling. He whines, cries, and just wants to gravitate toward any technological device he can get his hands on. He says every morning, “I hate homeschooling.” For him to express himself took a long time to even achieve; so I am glad he can even express how much he dislikes something. Ok, what I just said there is partially true. I am glad he can express himself, but I am not glad to hear he hates homeschooling because that means I have to push him to do any school work.

What does Pushing Look Like for a Child with Autism?

Pushing him to do anything means moving past the cries and whines and when he wants to take a break every 2 seconds. I am determined to get him to sit down and if not sitting down then sitting on the floor and doing our work in a different angle, degree, format, on the couch or anywhere in any way as long as he is learning.

This is what I mean by pushing through. Am I challenging him? Yes, I guess I am. I am provoking him to get angry by telling him “no” you cannot take a break until you finish this or that. He may have special needs, but he is a kid who deserves to be pushed to achieve learning and not fall through the cracks because he is going to throw a tantrum at a moment’s notice.

I Parent with Intensity Because I am Fighting for his Future!

I love my son intensely, fight for him intensely, and push him through the moments of autism that stop him from being what he wants to be. Danny wants to learn, but his body is telling him “I can’t do it.” So, I tell him, “you can do it. Tell your brain to work with your body so your brain will get exercise.” Because he has special needs he has been told to read small books with only two words on a page. Even if he struggles at first, which is fine and OK, a kid struggles sometimes because that is how they learn. Now, he is reading these kinds of books. My mom used to say, “Knowledge makes a bloody entrance.” Tools used to master skills is so important: I used phonics cards and reading instructional strategies to get him to read a harder book like this one.

A book that wasn’t encouraged for him to read because he supposed to read just small three letter books.

Let’s Talk about Aggression and How YOU Can Push Your Child Through Aggression

Danny used to Scratch his face when he was Angry

Now, my child used to be very aggressive: banging his head on the floor, throwing every toy in the room at someone, slamming doors, destroying property. He had no verbal ability whatsoever. I have been there and still go there with my son from time to time. I used to hold him down to the floor when he started his violent fits to get him to stop. I bought him things to push and pull when anger turned into a monster inside of him.

But, then I realized I had to teach him to connect to me first. Through years of ABA therapy and with me, he has learned if he acts out consequences follow. I feel consequences have to be taught and even if your child is non-verbal and aggressive, rewards follow or they don’t.

A Parent DOES NOT HAVE to Live in that WORLD of Aggression

Danny started his journey with just learning to copy me, and I would copy him. If he would throw a fit, no reward would follow. I started this pattern early, so I understand if a child is diagnosed past three it can become harder to teach to this. However, I think avoiding situations because of the fear of a child showing aggression can almost backfire on a parent. I remember avoiding stores with Danny. Then, when I tried to take him to the store he got angry because it was too much stimuli. Then, I realized I am going to get him out of the house as much as possible and find what is soothing to him to navigate among public spaces.

Finding what is soothing to your child is so important. But, pushing your child through situations with corrective words (even if they are non-verbal and still understand you but can’t express language) and something tangible to hold onto is so important. I remember when Danny was not liking the store and realized he likes big number cards to hold in the store. So, I always had this on hand, and when I could see he was getting agitated by standing in line, I would say you are a big boy you are mommy’s helper today. Establishing responsibility, something soothing, and possibly a reward for being such an awesome big boy actually works.

Push to the Future

Push to the future means I am desperate with teaching him everything to manage a job, be responsible, and know with good work he will get paid in a job. I know deep down he may never live on his own. But, I always push for independence and being proud when he does something on his own. If my pushing means challenging, so be it! But, I am not taking my son on in a challenge; I am pushing him through the large web of autism that stops him from moving forward in everything he does on a daily basis.

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

Repeat steps over and over. Danny used to scream with water on his head when I would wash his hair. I kept saying every time: “Danny, you are such a big boy, your hair will be so shiny and clean.” I believe in using tools to master skills. Danny used a rag to cover his eyes with water, and he still needs a rag. But, now he doesn’t scream anymore. He says now, “I am a big boy,” and we use his rag for his eyes. The word “Can’t” is not in our vocabulary because even if what he accomplishes may turn out differently he “Can” do what is expected of himself and what others expect from him to move forward with independence and confidence.

What is the Best Way to Teach Children with Autism and Special Needs?

When we are homeschooling our children during these times, I know it is a daunting task. A parent may want to just give up and throw their hands up in the air. I know that I wanted to do that at first. But, we are in the fight together and to help each other. This is why I am posting what I do with my son. Now, in this video, you will see a sweet boy who follows along pretty well. But, when cameras are off the calm down cards and cool down strategies are highly used.

This was the beginning of our stay at home orders and Danny wasn’t as tired. I have had to become more creative and reach back into the years I had my own classroom. I taught younger students for years, and now I am teaching my son. But, teaching him is not easy. Sitting is not easy. He asks for breaks every 2 minutes. He sometimes is too tired to continue, and I allow him that break, but I know I must keep pushing him along because if he falls behind his language will suffer. If his language suffers, his behaviors will increase. If his behaviors increase, he becomes unapproachable and all learning stops.

This lesson incorporates motor planning and calm down cards if needed. Giving a child a sheet of paper to write on, would be challenging for Danny. Giving Danny a piece of paper with picture clues and spatial signals are helpful guides. Filling in the blank using a word bank might not work for some children who have other challenges. Compartmentalizing words and establishing a predictability with reading could be a helpful tool. These are some things that you will see in this lesson.

It is possible to teach your child with special needs. It is possible to grab hold onto those tools as much as we can and reach that positive light bulb.

It’s Been a While, But I am Still Here! Who is Like a Welcome Friend Right Now?

Ok, I feel for any parent who is juggling a lot right now. Give yourself a much needed break this Memorial Day Weekend. I know we are all juggling so many different aspects right now. For me, it is all about juggling my tech. job, online teaching job, kid’s work including disciplining and management, keeping them engaged, and sometimes tearing them away from the computer.

What is Good About Being Quarantined?

There are a few good things about being quarantined: my kids are becoming more tech savvy, I am getting to know what abilities they have or need to gain in skills, my kids are being more creative and want to help more in the house. I know that by state everyone is opening up at different stages with keeping safe from COVID-19. But, it isn’t all bad.

Some Days are Good, Some are Bad!

Some days are good. Some days are bad, like really bad. Some days are awesome, like really awesome. I have found that I just want to get my mind on something else too like digging around in the garden and getting into fresh air. Nature is for sure a welcome friend these days.

Moving, Moving and More Moving

As far as my son Danny, he is managing. Sometimes I find myself struggling with the lack of resources provided for him from the school district. So, I have had to put my thinking cap on to provide enough skills-based work for him to keep learning and manage behaviors that explode from time to time. If you have a child with special needs I applaud for hanging in there through a tough situation. If your child is throwing fits and frustrations, know that this too shall pass in time. Lean on tools available and getting your child’s body moving.

I have learned that my Danny’s focus is difficult and he will throw fits if he sits too long. So, thinking of ways to get his body moving and learning have become a welcome friend as well. Walking on numbers, making cube trains, large size puzzles that are easy to put together, magnetic base ten blocks..yes are all what I use. Move, push, press, pull, that is what our kids needs.

Ok, My Normal is not New Normal

I read today from a parent who has a child with autism that their normal is their new normal that they have to get used to. I know it starts that way, but eventually new becomes the NORMAL. My new normal has always been my normal not new not old just “MY NORMAL.” I have accepted it, lived with it, and can’t call it a new normal.

We all have our “normals” we live with. It may be new at first, but then we settle into our situation and it slowly become our normal. Having a child with autism was shocking at first, but now it’s just the way it is. My son is the way he is, my life with him is the way it is, and his behaviors are the way they are. There is no cure only treatments to help handle different situations.

I think my youngest deals with it best: My youngest just accepts Danny the way he is. He spins with Danny, cuddles with Danny, and sometimes sounds like a Dad with Danny. Even though my youngest is 6 and Danny is 7, sometimes I hear the future in my six year old when I am getting older.

Acceptance is key. I accept this normal: it’s scary sometimes, hectic, a little crazy, but I am thankful for all the tools within my reach.

Now, with the coronavirus, Danny is thrown off his train tracks of life. His normal way of life and my normal way of life got thrown off its tracks. But, he still spins, he sometimes get angry, and sometimes frustrations reach through the roof. But, Danny has always been Danny even with The Virus. This is normal, and always will be. What is normal anyway? We usually say, “this is our new normal” when we feel uncomfortable with the way things are now. New normal is NORMAL.

#Quarantined Together: We are in this Together or are we?

Cultural Standards Remain even in a Health Crises! Unfortunately, our society has to change its cultural nature for us to be in this together. The “this” is obviously COVID-19. Believe me there is no hashtag or cute and trendy way for me to believe that #stayinghome is comfortable. I have three kids who are all under 10, and they are full of energy. I would love to take them to the park everyday, but #stayhome is stopping me right now. It is understandable that we must do this for the sake of ALL TO SURVIVE.

Let’s go From “I” to “We”

There are still those who go to the park, socially gather in homes, and are doing things that are jeopardizing everyone. We must go from “I” to “we.” The culture is very individualistic-our culture is “I” centered. It is so “I” centered that my son is being denied even his rights to education. It is not just health that is at stake, it is the economy, education, and basic needs.

Businesses fail, people are hoarding, school districts are failing our kids (I am not referring to all school districts, but mine is failing my son) in not providing extended education beyond a classroom. The young feel they must ignore the cry of the sick, poor, homeless, and elderly because “it doesn’t effect them,” (oh! but it does).

This is not a Time for Falling Apart at the Fringes or for the Infrastructure to Fall Apart

The infrastructure will fall apart because as buildings and schools, “shelter in place,” continue to be enforced, people are not being paid, education has come to a halt for some and other issues are developing in a running society. When something is taken away, it has to be replaced by something else. That is just logically thinking. So if jobs are stopped what will be replaced? Will companies continue to bill us? Will no mercy and injustice reign at this time of crises? If education is halted for the child with special needs, what is being done to help that child transition to another platform and finish out the school year?

This is my son and he wants to keep learning!

The Term “Ameri -can” and “Ameri-can’t” was Coined on the show Cuomo on CNN and how True this is!

So, Ameri-can means banding together and working together to set up those systems to keep our infrastructure going and everyone is getting what they need with mercy and kindness. Ameri-can’t means being the “I” and not the “we” and only caring for yourself without a care in the world for the next individual needing that toilet paper roll, that bottle of water, that elderberry syrup, that mom who has to take her kids everywhere because she is alone and just came to the store to realize the items she needed are all gone. Remember, we are in this together.